letters

Sweetheart,

I don’t love anymore. And I am not ashamed. I live and I believe and I know. He is my life and he exists somewhere in this wide, wide world. Every day he is scared that he may never find me, like I am scared sometimes. He wonders sometimes if he has seen me, where I am and he calls out my name, not knowing what it is. I wish to take his hand and tell him tales, talk of the stars, of dreams, of poetry and of music. He is wise- world wise and otherwise. He will know that love is what corrupted and pained our lives. We shall not talk of love. We shall not love. We shall simply live. I shall live a life called "him". And he a life called "suji". And those two will have all the intensity, the sensitivity to last an eternity. We shall not fester the pains that love feasts on.

With loads of life,

(Not love)

Suji

On Fri, May 11, 2007 3:15 am, she wrote:

>

> dear dear suji, Why did you see him? you told me yesterday that there was

> no love, every baby step that you take now is rational and reasonable.

> where from this unconsciousness crept in you? see it never dies. it stays

> somewhere even when there is no sun, even when the rains fly to desolate

> and far away lands. even when you perch hard in the verge of death there

> will be nothing .............yet something, somewhere will elude your

> senses, you benumbed senses. love never dies, what happens is that we grow

> out of loving for sometime, but never ever can we stop loving. we are fire

> and air - we make life possible with intensity , with gratitude and lastly

> with sensitivity. take care of yourself. loads of love, S

>

Dearest S,

I waited for him, again. He was there somewhere, I am certain. I could smell the musk he wears, his sweet sweat, the esthesis of his body, with every breath I took. I could hear his honeyed voice, speaking worldly words, murmuring, muttering- a husky laugh, an annoyed mumble, humming a tune (words indistinct). I could feel his coarse touch, the prick of his stubble against my cheek. He touched my lips, his rough fingers delicate on my lips, he teased my hair, held me round my waist, again. And when I turned, looked around. I could. All but see him. Why does he taunt me, thus?

Love,

Suji

Please Stop
This Insanity
I Know
Loneliness Knows No Reason.
And Yet
I Do Not Seek Dreams Now
No Longer Russet Sunsets Will Make Me Shed Precious Tears
No Longer Will I Long For A Touch
For The Gentle Incline Of My Head On Your Chest
And Seek To Smell The Summer Sweat
And Your Mistress' Scent.

No More Shall I Shelter Your Sleep
From The Blinding Rays Of A Morning Sun
No Longer Shall My Ears Strain To Hear
Your Footsteps
And Sigh In Peace.
No More Shall
Your Voice Be My Melody
Your Breath My Air
Your Love My Life.


Forget I Will
I Must
And Drown In This Desert Sand
Called Reason
I Will Survive The Motions Of A Soulless Life
Long After You Are Gone


Do Not Silence My Cries, Beloved
With Well Crafted Words
Coz They Soothe Not
My Aching Soul
My Longing Heart
My Lonely Life

No
Not That Love Anymore
Not Love Again
Why Must I Dream
Of That Crimson Morrow
That Will Never Come
Of A Honey Soaked Words
That I Will Never Hear?

Dear Daddy,

You broke your promise.

And how do I even start to reconcile to this silence? You are no longer the shelter, the security I can come home to. You are no longer the one man who will hold my hand as I sleep. You are no longer the person I could hug when I felt close to tears; I can no longer barge in on you and know you will always make time to hear me, no matter what is going on around you.

No longer Dad, can I curl up beside you, and sleep a peaceful night's sleep. Papa, no one cares for your lil girl like you did. I am not called “my lifeline" any longer. No one teases my hair; fights with me over some elevated ideal or philosophy just to know my views and hear my thoughts; no one takes pride in me like you did. No longer do I have the knowing that I can go someplace and my worries will be taken care of. No one asks me to deck up like you did. No one fights with me over my perfumes, political views and pens, and gives in. No one knows to read my face and decipher my sadness, anger, outrage and mischief. How could you abandon me, thus? Why could you not fight Death off, tell Him your little one needed you badly.

I remember, when I was 14, and racked by dark fears of losing my vision, you took my hand. And said that I need not fear till you did. Because what would hurt me, would be your fear, your concern even before I could anticipate it. The logic of this emotion calmed me, and I felt scared no longer. Why are you no longer around to do that?

The only thing that you needed for all that you gave me was for me to lead a happy life. I could not accord you that much. I try so hard to tell you that I am sorry. I have in my folly done all that I believed was right, and hurt you in the process. But how can you not be around to hear this apology?

Dad, I know I have not been the ideal daughter that you thought I was - that you groomed me to be. But papa, I am what I am and whatever I am I am yours- your baby. Do not forsake me, thus. Do not punish me, thus.

Yours and yours alone,

Darling Cuckoo Bird (I remember)