letters
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
To Daddy
Dear Daddy,
You broke your promise.
And how do I even start to reconcile to this silence? You are no longer the shelter, the security I can come home to. You are no longer the one man who will hold my hand as I sleep. You are no longer the person I could hug when I felt close to tears; I can no longer barge in on you and know you will always make time to hear me, no matter what is going on around you.
No longer Dad, can I curl up beside you, and sleep a peaceful night's sleep. Papa, no one cares for your lil girl like you did. I am not called “my lifeline" any longer. No one teases my hair; fights with me over some elevated ideal or philosophy just to know my views and hear my thoughts; no one takes pride in me like you did. No longer do I have the knowing that I can go someplace and my worries will be taken care of. No one asks me to deck up like you did. No one fights with me over my perfumes, political views and pens, and gives in. No one knows to read my face and decipher my sadness, anger, outrage and mischief. How could you abandon me, thus? Why could you not fight Death off, tell Him your little one needed you badly.
I remember, when I was 14, and racked by dark fears of losing my vision, you took my hand. And said that I need not fear till you did. Because what would hurt me, would be your fear, your concern even before I could anticipate it. The logic of this emotion calmed me, and I felt scared no longer. Why are you no longer around to do that?
The only thing that you needed for all that you gave me was for me to lead a happy life. I could not accord you that much. I try so hard to tell you that I am sorry. I have in my folly done all that I believed was right, and hurt you in the process. But how can you not be around to hear this apology?
Dad, I know I have not been the ideal daughter that you thought I was - that you groomed me to be. But papa, I am what I am and whatever I am I am yours- your baby. Do not forsake me, thus. Do not punish me, thus.
Yours and yours alone,
Darling Cuckoo Bird (I remember)
2 Comments:
its really really touchy...you have made me remember my dad...he used to caryy me on his shoulder around our house...i really miss him...a miss him a lot...i really miss you baba...
gosh Sujata...this brought tears to my eyes......even tho my dad's still with me...and i hope he stays till my son's grown up (my story seems to be a lot like yours, u know......)....but i can understand what you feel.....i'm sure, that when i sat down to write something like this (when the time comes, and hope that day's far far far away in the future) this is exactly how it might read.....
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